Weight Update

**Source Google Images**

****Warning, this post is all over the place, so if you fancy a stroll though my random mental thoughts, read on****

I’m a bit stuck at the moment and I’m finding it hard to find the words to begin to explain where I am at!!

My heads all over the place, I want to loose weight and I want to be fit and healthy and happy, but at the same time I’m tired of the never ending struggle.

I’m sick of the constant battle/ obsessing/ thoughts with myself on the what I can and cannot eat.

I’m a firm believe in the fake it till you make it mode that I sometimes use to get my mojo going and to curb my over eating.

However, my will power has been AWOL for a while now and although I’m full of good intentions, I make food plans, book exercise classes etc,

I’m finding that I’m very easily swayed at the moment. I’m eating my 3 good and healthy meals in the day but I’m also giving myself permission to have all the other extras that I worked so hard last year to cut out. Instead of smiling and saying “no thanks” when offered anything other than a cup of tea I find myself accepting the cake/ biscuits/ chocolate that’s being offered to me and going back for more!

I've been avoiding writing a post because I’m not sure what this means for me at the moment! I kept telling myself that once I've had one total good week, then I’ll come back and be on the wagon and start posting more often. But it hasn't happened!! I've gotten to day 4 and then given in a had a **creme egg (*insert whatever’s going) with my cuppa as a “treat” for being so “good”

But for now, I’m tired!!! Its been 5 years this month since my weight loss journey really began for me and I truly am a different girl to the once who started this quest/journey way back then, physically and mentally. I have made a lot of lifestyle changes. (see photos here) 

Yes I’m frustrated that after 5 years I am still no where near my goal/aim and that’s all on me and my yo-yo way of doing things. I’m still my own worst enemy and worst critic, but I think we’re all guilty of being very hard on ourselves. My point is tho ( I do have one I promise) I think its time that I accept my body and myself for who I am right now, yes I’m a work in progress.. but that’s how it has to be, and I need to embrace this fact rather than living in denial and avoiding mirrors. (ye read the post about my meltdown over my birthday outfit last month)

I feel like I've missed out on a lot of things over the years because I've allowed my weight issues to rule me and my life.

I've put so many things on the long finger and told myself that I’ll do that when I’m slim. I've missed out on nights out and events because “I’d nothing to wear”  I've avoided going to places for fear I’d be the biggest person in the room and people would stare.  I realize that all of these “things” are my issues and all in my head, but at the same time theses thoughts/ fears have been holding me back.

So I've decided to try and embrace me for now and basically get over myself and start enjoying my life as I am right now. I’m not getting any younger and life is short.

By accepting that loosing weight will be on ongoing theme in my life, I hope that I’ll be more accepting of myself.. I know that I can continue to loose weight and still enjoy myself. ( I just decided that I couldn't, for no reason at all!)

**Source Google Images**

I haven’t completely throw in the towel just yet tho! Yes, I’m eating cake almost every day BUT I’m exercising regularly too.. I’m really half assing things for now and I seem to be almost maintaining. I’m up and down the same few pounds since the new year.

Jan +2

Feb -1.5

Mar +1

I don’t know if any of you can even make sense of this post!

I do want to loose weight, but I’m not willing to commit myself to it 100% at the moment!! I know I’m the only person that can fix this and I’m sure I will…..

I know that this is something that I will struggle and fight with for my whole life and I’ve accepted this to be my fate.