HITTING THE WALL EMOTIONALLY!!

I think the title of this post speaks volumes!!I’m a bit lost and very frustrated at the moment and those combined are stressing me out and I’m very unhappy.

This unhappiness is stretching to all aspects of my life and affecting everyone in my life! You know the saying “Misery loves company” Well that’s me at the moment, I get annoyed by other people being cheery around me and rather than force a smile, I avoid and grunt and moan to myself!! How bad is that? Its sounds desperate!!

I've gotten stuck in a funk and Moaning Myrtle is a happy camper compared to how I feel at the moment! I’m very much in “poor me” mode, but add to this , my constant tiredness, crankiness, bitterness, sadness.. you do not want to be anywhere near me at the moment!

I was blaming the weather for this dark cloud that’s been circling my head for the last 2/3 weeks, but this week in Cork the weather has been lovely, cold, but sunny and bright and all things nice and lovely (puke) see I can’t even talk positively about the weather for gawd sake!!! I seem to be broken!!

I’m disappointed by my lack of progress on the scales this month even tho  I've upped my exercise. I’m also disgusted with myself that every time I didn't get what I deem to be a “good result” on the scales I binged, which is helping nobody and in fact holding me back from hitting my goals and targets!!

I get so mad and frustrated with myself for being weak and giving in to whatever it is on that particular day (food wise) that’s pushing me over the wedge!! And yet I can’t stop myself, I get that out of control feeling!! Its almost like an out of body experience for me!! I’m thinking about say a biscuit, and the next thing I know I've inhaled 3 without even tasting/ enjoying them, which to me is a complete and total waste!!  Has this ever happened to any of ye?

I also get into moods with myself, where I’m so tired/ cranky / unhappy that I just eat for the sake of eating and this is usually whatever’s at hand, be it, left over meat, crisps, crackers, things I wouldn't usually eat in a fit! Everything goes into my big gob to try and fill the empty unhappy feeling inside, but it doesn't work, if anything it makes me feel worse and then the guilt creeps in!! These binges used to be few and far between but lately they’re coming at me every few days and for the most part I give in, which makes me angry with myself OVER and OVER.

Can you see where I’m going with this? I’m on a rotater and in self destruct mode big time.

Its like the second I announced on here that I was 2lb away from being the lightest I've been in my adult life, I went and fought with it and somewhere deep inside I've decided I don’t want to be light? Which is madness in itself!!

I just don’t know!! All I know is that this is all on me and I’m a mess. I've lost my mojo along with my happy thoughts and also my guilty feeling.

Now I’m not back to eating bold 24/7 but I can feel myself slipping more and wanting to be bold more and more.

I've definitely hit a wall and this makes me want to hit myself!!!! Which is not the answer.

I'm hoping this feeling is temporary and I want to kick its ass and get back to being positive and happy.. but right now, this is how i feel, i should be knocking this wall down shouldn't I? I can't give up at the first hurdle can I? NO, I won't but I'd like too. 

Any advise or thoughts welcome